dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
