My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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