your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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