After last night, I could never be a politician.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
