Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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