He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
