Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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