dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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