My hand turned me down
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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