Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize