Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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