Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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