I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
