i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize