I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize