i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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