I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
