Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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