I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
