I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize