Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
