i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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