there's paper in my vomit.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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