Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
