The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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