your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
