She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
