You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Boobs speak an international language.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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