I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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