You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
