how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
