I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
