Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She bit a glass in half.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I need to calm my uterus...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize