i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
