i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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