Having a random hookup so left but love u
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
