And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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