sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
