You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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