"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
