Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
