just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
