Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
