I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
