Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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