Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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