I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
