Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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