I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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