I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
