my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
