Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
