Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
