i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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