i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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