apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
