How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
