I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
