its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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