Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
