i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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