i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
